Singleness is your time to heal.
I went back and forth on the word I wanted to share with y’all this month. I had to remind myself that this blog is not just about me sharing past experiences but also sharing current ones too; like current things that are happening in my current season of singleness that may be happening in yours. Well, one of those things is healing.
Healing is a word we love to throw around nowadays. The journey of healing has become a lot more normalized than back in the day when our parents were encouraged to brush things under the rug. In this day and age, folks are out here addressing things head on (for the most part) and actually admitting that they were hurt to begin with.
But what does that look like in singleness? And why is that important in your singleness? Well, let’s dive in….
First, let’s start with the word heal. The word heal presents a few definitions but here are the ones that stand out to me:
To make free from injury or disease
To make well again
To make whole
Notice that all of these definitions start with “to make”... which really means to create, manufacture, and make the form of something. If healing is to create wholeness, freedom, and wellness, then that must mean the state of which we are before healing is empty, captive, and simply, we are without.
The first step towards healing is to honestly accept that there is pain to begin with.
Now that we have the definition, how does healing show up you may ask?
Well, I’ve learned that healing can show up in both passive and active ways. There is work to do and there is also work that just occurs without our hands in the mix. Oftentimes, our hands make it even more messy to keep it real.
Healing can show up through the Word of God, prayer, therapy, affirmations, a book, or processing the pain out loud. But in a more passive way, healing can also show up with time. You ever hear “healing takes time”...I know it’s cliche but it’s true. With any physical injury, there is a recovery time associated because it literally takes time for your body to go back to functioning how it used to, so why wouldn't it be the same emotionally or mentally?
Because we are so captivated by things we see, we are naive about the things we don't see sometimes. We can't see our mind, heart, soul or spirit but those things are capable of being hurt too; therefore, those things also need recovery time to function at its best state again.
Time is important in healing.
Another thing I want to point out is the difference between a wound and a scar. As a noun, a wound is an injury, whereas, a scar is a mark sometimes indicating healing from the wound.
Now when it comes to singleness, there’s no question if we’ve been hurt. Most people have at some point in their singleness and that doesn’t have to just be hurt from a prior relationship but hurt in general.
In this blog, I want to specifically address past hurt from past relationships or situationships. I will address general past trauma/hurt in another blog. I can’t fit it all in here =)
For me, healing from past relationships in my singleness has looked like this:
Heartbroken- Pain- Suppression/repression- Sex/eating/working/anger/fighting-I'm okay now I think- Situationship- Relationship- Heartbreak- Pain….and the cycle continues.
At times, I would try to heal the right way but if i'm honest I would get tired or bored and just stop. I stopped taking care of myself because I thought external, temporary things could fix it.
As you may notice here, I was not even giving myself time to heal. I was always in search of a remedy without acknowledging the root problem. At one point, I thought someone or really anyone would fill the void, make me whole, and bring me back to wellness, but what I was really doing was further infecting the wound. I settled for other things to serve as my "punching bag" rather than just addressing the baggage. Then, when I thought all was well, I would get back into the very things that hurt me to begin with.
Why was I doing this? Because healing takes work and as sad as it is to admit, it was easier and more comfortable to be in pain than to get it fixed.
But lessons aren't useful until they're learned...otherwise, it's just a cycle.
To be in a state of healing means you are currently in a state of brokenness. Brokenness means you are in need of being rescued. For me, I always wanted someone to rescue or fix me and my problems. I enjoyed being broken because I enjoyed others “doing the work” for me. I was lazy and I didn't want to do it myself nor did I want to maintain it.
Yes- maintaining your healing is a thing!
Truthfully, healing is a lonely journey at times (going back to last month’s word). It requires an emptying of yourself, to be vulnerable with yourself. Because this is uncomfortable for many (I am many lol), they may relationship hop to seek out a cure.
Keep in mind that relationship hopping doesn't just have to be with another person, but with anything. What relationships are you holding onto to serve as a distraction towards what's really going on with you?
Relationship with friends/family (which can become toxic and codependent if you think they are going to fix or heal you)
Relationship with food (some people overeat or under eat due to what is going on with them)
Relationship with work (some people overwork to stay busy and distracted)
Relationship with anything that provides sexual gratification
and the list goes on....
I have personally used all of these above relationship types as a way to fix, avoid, distract, or ignore the healing I truly needed.
After repeating the cycle for many years, I finally got to a place where I was sick n tired of being sick n tired. The idea of healing and wholeness were new to me honestly. I was surrounded by many people who were comfortable being broken and I wanted something different. But what made me get there?
I finally got “ready” to heal when I started to notice that who I was becoming was not matching what I wanted in my future. We look on social media and want all these relationships but we don’t look like half of what it takes to get there.
I wanted and still do want to be a healthy person, have a healthy life, healthy friendships, healthy marriage and healthy household for my kids (something I didn't experience growing up). In essence, what I wanted was to break a generational pattern or curse that I saw existed throughout my family, especially with the women. But how was that going to be possible if I hadn’t become the very thing I aspired to be.
You can’t want whole things through a broken vessel. The two don't align. So the first step is really deciding what you want and the steps needed to get there.
Am I broken & hurt or am I whole?
What do I want my healing and wholeness to look like?
How can I get to complete wholeness? What things do I need to actively do?
Does my current state match or align with who I want to be in the future?
What areas of past relationships are still bothering or hindering me?
What patterns & behaviors am I continuing to exhibit?
Whole people make (most times) whole decisions and broken people make (most times) broken decisions and we all know....hurt people, hurt people. Well healed people, can heal people.
Moving on, healing from past relationships is important so that the past hurt doesn’t bleed into this season of singleness. It’s not only important for future relationships but also the state of your heart in your singleness.
The state of your heart in singleness determines the state it’ll be in a relationship, so the real work begins here. Our heart posture is not just exclusive to singleness; it also applies to everything else in our lives. If we are bitter in singleness, then that bitterness will show up at work, in friendships, and in how we treat ourselves. If we are whole, then we will show up whole in other areas too.
Sometimes we wear rose-colored glasses and we really don’t notice the hurt or pain we experienced from a previous relationship until it’s over.
The damage that may have happened needs time to heal before you can build something new again. Think about a new build home, would it be new to you if it were built with used material? No it wouldn't.
Not only that but it’s important to heal so you can make better choices in the future. Real talk, working through healing is so uncomfortable. Think about wearing a brace, walking on crutches, or being bed ridden due to a physical injury. It's almost just as uncomfortable when your heart is on crutches too.
It requires so much of yourself, that I doubt you’ll be willing to risk all that work by settling with the wrong person or situation. So, healing not only prevents past hurts from bleeding over into new relationships, but it also encourages you to make better choices in your singleness.
The broken and hurt me, chose guys who were also broken. The broken and hurt me also chose friendships that were broken too (I went there!).
Being with a whole man at the time would've only intimidated me. And honestly, some whole friends called me out on my ish, because they were not willing to put up with my brokenness, without some accountability on my end to fix it (that's a real friend!).
That's why healing is not only important to heal because of singleness, but it's important to heal for all types of relationships.
Complete healing is when you can look back at what hurt you and see it completely different. Pain may be a part of the story, but it doesn't have to control the narrative; however, healing can.
The healed version of you will be doing things and making decisions that the broken version of you wouldn't have been able to do. I've seen it happen in my own life....
One of the major things that's indicated healing in my life is I'm able to admit where my emotions or decisions are coming from. Is it desperation? Loneliness? Or even feeling left out? Is it genuine? Is it real? Does it serve my highest self?
Because truth is, sometimes brokenness and pain keeps you blind.
The healed me can seek help so that I no longer contaminate myself but rather, I allow myself to heal over and over if I have to. The healed me separates past situations from who I am as a person.
So as far as you, what does the "broken and hurt" you look like? What does the "healed and whole" you look like? Can you tell the difference?
For those waiting on a relationship: Remember, you want to be able to flourish, bloom, enjoy, and become whole before anyone comes into your life; therefore, healing is a part of the process. Being a healthy person is frankly attractive. Being healthy doesn't mean you're perfect and being healthy doesn't mean you wont get hurt or you no longer experience pain. Being healthy is rather, being abe to separate the pain from the person.
If you have a wound, address it, put a big enough band aid on it (whatever that really is), protect it, and let it heal. Just like a physical injury, you'd want to emotionally wrap yourself in the appropriate remedy to get the desired results. i.e. spiritual care, therapy, self-care, time, etc.
The moment I took my healing seriously, it became easier to deal with future hurt. It also made it easier to address parts of me still needing healing in the future. Sometimes partial healing is all you can handle and is enough to move forward. Complete healing will come overtime (time doing its thing).
Remember, Healing is a process and continuous journey.
Now, where does God stand in the midst of this?
God is the greatest doctor, surgeon, comforter, and whatever else you need Him to be. One of the things I did differently in my healing was use the Word of God to affirm areas that were broken. This is something I didn't do in the past and It truly made a HUGE difference in my healing journey.
Remember, as a Christian figuring out singleness, I've learned that God is jealous about us. He doesn't want anyone to be a bigger therapist, doctor, or healer than Him. That not only takes the pressure off of someone else, but also off of you. I've experienced it...and I hope you do too.
Now, what are specific things you can do during this time of healing? I’ll be sharing that next week on my YouTube channel....Stay Tuned =)
And I leave you with this…
I deserve complete healing. I can take all the time I need to get there. I can recover, be whole, and learn from past hurts. I am allowed to seek help when I need it. I can still love myself in my brokenness. Healing doesn't have to accompany a person. Healing is my portion.
"I will restore you to health. I will heal your wounds."